What’s a few (okay a lot) of days amongst friends?
Suffice to say that life’s been busy, let’s have a chat about things shall we?
In my time away from the blog, I’ve had life throw me a series of very large, and significant curve balls. As some of you might remember from an earlier post, I do suffer from depression. I liken the metaphor for having depression to being Bruce Banner from the Avengers movie. Yes, not the Hulk, but Bruce Banner. Specifically, he has a line about “The Other Guy,” and that’s what I’ve taken to referring to my…condition as:
You talk about it as if it’s a force that more or less controls your life, but something you try to keep in check, something you try to control…and it moves through your fingers inexorably out of your grasp like sand. If you don’t control it, it controls you. It keeps you from doing things that you care about, talking to people that you love, and…living. You become a shell for it. Someone once referred to it as a Sha, and that concept kind of resonates with me. In a way, it does what the Sha do; it corrupts whatever it touches with a pervasive sense of whatever emotion it represents and feeds off of. And when you’re depressed, this becomes your pervasive feeling and emotional state. You aren’t under a cloud, you are under a storm. Your life is constantly little raindrops on your shoulders, matted wet hair, and no longer feeling or caring about the water inside your shoes.
However, don’t take this post as a sign to fret, take this post as a sign that I’m on the mend, one way or another. The Other Guy’s not manning the helm, so the ship’s righting itself now, I think.
Suffice to say it’s sorta worked out well, and I’m okay with that. Everybody has their own ways, and I’m alright with this being mine, for now.
Life-wise, things have been…interesting. I’ve lost friends, gained friends, lost loves, analyzed a lot of my own behaviors, and had a lot of time, even though I’ve been busy, to reflect and think. And in this state, I’ve realized a lot of things about what I want to accomplish, and how things I’ve been chasing or doing have been undermining what I want.
I’ve realized my current job has tainted a lot of my outlook in regards to being positive, and letting positivity take the reigns with regards to my general mood and feelings. When you’ve worked at a place you’ve hated for five years, you tend to let that outlook spill over into other aspects of your life, and then periodically you reach an overflow and…the feelings come out. You lash out, you shut down, you find reasons to back away from people and turtle and put up your defenses.
When somebody eventually breaches those, you don’t really know how to handle it, and it spooks you. It freaks you out, because The Other Guy’s been telling you that nobody cares…and when that’s been your narrative for so long, you tend to believe it. When things rock your world and shatter your foundations, your life is all sorts of up-heaved.
Anyway, this has been kinda ramble-y, but it’s been nice. And I can’t claim credit for this being my daily idea; I admittedly read Hestiah’s article on her own blog before I started writing, and it just felt right, so I did it.
Tomorrow (hopefully), I’ll mention something Warrior or Warcraft related. Seeya then!