If you’re one of the two people that gave a shit, this won’t be the beginning of Part 2 of yesterday’s post. Instead, I’m gonna talk about something slightly controversial, and nothing funny or fun. I don’t know what I stand to gain here, but I suppose I have nothing really to lose.
Let’s just cut all the romantic, sappy, sorry feelings out of the way. I’m depressed, I’m seeing someone about it, and it’s not working anymore. I only just recently got health insurance back, and can only afford it primarily because of medicaid, so that’s a nice thing I guess. Maybe I’ll start medicating myself, but I don’t know if I want to.
I feel constantly in a state of being happy and being sad. I’m never in a middle-ground, or just “being;” and more often than not, I’m very much the opposite of happy. The only things that keep me going are, on average, the few friends I have, alcohol, and cowardice. I’ll break down what each of those things means for the sake of clarity:
The few friends I have that I haven’t driven away or run out of my life, for some reason, have my back, and I don’t know why. I constantly exist in a state of flux wherein I try to figure out if I’m driving them away or if I’m even wanted around. Frequently, the second feeling crops up more than it should. It takes nearly constant reassurance that no, I’m not being a bother, and that no, I am not sucking the fun out of the evening, and yes we want you around, and why can’t you see this?
Alcohol keeps me going, in the sense that when I feel overwhelmingly, crushingly sad, to the point where I start thinking about uncomfortable topics, drinking helps. It’s sort of metaphorical bleeding, I guess; I sit and I mope and I drink and I come out of it on the other side alive. I don’t know if this is healthy (it probably isn’t), but it’s working…for now. Dunno how much longer I should be doing this, if at all though.
When I say cowardice keeps me alive, I’m not joking. One of the main things that’s consistently kept me from offing myself (and believe me, there have been times where I’ve wanted to) has been fear of abandoning the few people left in my life that supposedly give a shit. I’m afraid of letting them down more than I already have by the very nature of my existence, by summarily ending it. I’m afraid that I’m going to let my parents down.
That and I’m afraid of finding out what is on the other side of the veil, I guess. Nobody’s died and come back ever, and I’m not very religious, so I feel like after I die there’s just gonna be a void of nothingness, and that terrifies me, even though the other options (afterlife, reincarnation) don’t really make sense, and moreover, also terrify me.
All of this points at and reaffirms my belief in the fact that I am actually a terrible person, and because of that, I deserve unhappiness. And I am decidedly unhappy. And who has the power to change all of this? Me. Who lacks the capability, or the willpower to do so? Me.
How do you fight that? How do you fight yourself? How do you rise above your own perceived ineptitude? How do you shut off your brain’s little doubt voice that says you’re in over your head?
How do you win?